Heartbroken!

It feels like my heart is being shred to pieces. It's just a few weeks left til the most important, happiest day of my life. There is a lot going through my mind. Things that make me happy and sad. There is a lot going on right know in every aspect. I have things to plan, things to figure out. I have many worries about the wedding. Is everything going to be finished in time, am I going to afford the things I need, will the bridesmaids like the dresses, will they fit? Am I going to find shoes? A dress to my little flower girl? Find the right flowers for me? It's just so many things im thinking about. It's starting to stress me out, and it makes me break down over small things.

Like yesterday I didn't work, I called my work but the manager wasn't there so I couldn't talk to her about job. So I was home another day. Didn't really have anything do to, but I did laundry, did the dishes and such. Before my dad left work I called him to ask if he could buy some grocerys before he came home. He asked me what I had been doing all day since I hadn't done it myself. It's not like you were doing anything else, he said. I was like, what was this coming from. What did I do wrong, I only asked him if he could buy some food before he came home.
When mom came home of course she took daddys side. They accused me for having an attitude. For asking him to buy grocerys? WHAT? I was in shock. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, they just spilled over and ran down my face. Ever since I came home from stockholm I had really tried to do my best and behave and such, try to prove to our parents that we really do things at home. I don't just lay around thinking about me, being selfish. But I guess my best wasn't good enough. I sometimes wished we had cameras put up around the house, so they could see the positive things we do, not just the negative.

These past weeks it has felt like my wedding is a burden for everyone involved. It really breaks my heart. Instead of being happy while planning it feels like everyone would rather do something else. When I talk to my parents about the wedding all they do is sigh about the costs and say I have an attitude and needs to grow up. Im happy they are willing to pay and help out, but it feels like they are doing it just because they have to, not because they want to. That makes me wanna tell them that don't pay, I will find my own way. I even told them that yesterday. I said to my mom that don't pay for the wedding, I will fix it myself, if I have to I'll get married in a plastic bag in the forest. You guys don't have to be apart of it, don't have to see it. It might have been a little harsh but I felt so hurt.
Being accused for having an attitude for wanting my dream wedding, trying to put my new life together I just didn't know what to do anymore.
I know my parents are working hard, they work full time, have 3 other kids at home to tend to also. But it's like this is once in a lifetime, can we try to make it special? I will be out of your house in just a few weeks! Please!

I miss my baby dreadfully, it so hard not having him here when im going through a hard time. The poor thing is really sick. He's coughing, his throat hurts and yesterday he felt naseus. He's been laying in bed for 2 days, feeling really bad. It's tough being sick while living with someone elses family. Today even though he's sick he had to take the train to Åsarp to have a weekend concert with he's family. I hope he feels better tomorrow and that he's going to be able to sing.
Can't wait to see you baby, has been almost a week now. Two more to go! Im handling a lot better know than when you were in America.
I love you so much honey!

Yesterday around 11 in the morning I got a newborn cousin, a beautiful babygirl. :) Her name is Ester. I hope I will meet you soon! All Love to you little angel!

Hope you all have a good weekend!
Love love love

Anna